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On International Women’s Day, it was lovely to meet with our FemSoc members in a more relaxed setting. 56 North hosted our evening of drinks and discussion on the topic ‘dating as a modern day feminist’. Activism can easily become consuming, and whilst International Women's Day is a day to tackle serious issues, it is also a day to gather and celebrate. This year, on this important day, we decided to tackle the ‘everyday’ - so what is it like to date as a modern day feminist?
Practicing consent and adding the ‘feminist’ tag to our Tinder bios are ways to make it easier, but dating as a modern day feminist can be full of contradictions. How do I ensure my relationship is built on equality, whilst hinting that roses are my favourite flowers? How do I know that I love roses, and that this desire doesn’t stem from the cis-het stereotypes that characterised my formative teenage years? Regardless, it is right to expect more than just the bare minimum of equality in a relationship, and this led to perhaps one of the most interesting discussions of the evening: are there any stereotypes from cis-het romcoms that we should keep? It was agreed that whilst this genre has promoted problematic attitudes towards relationships, it is centred around positivity. Often these films conclude with the male protagonist’s sudden emotional outpour that goes something like ‘it has always, and will always be you’. Admittedly, that was almost too cringe to write, although these endings do set an example for the level of articulation, communication and transparency that men seem to lack in real life. Still, think how much drama could have been avoided if the male love interest had just opened up earlier!
Bolu Babalola’s Love in Colour addresses these flaws in the romance genre. The author redefines the romcom through her modern retelling of ancient African, Greek and Asian myths, offering a diverse cross-section of female dating experiences. She has therefore appropriately called herself a ‘romcomoisseur’, and believes that her book is a ‘step towards decolonising tropes of love’. However, there is undeniable tension between the oppressive, patriarchal societies depicted in the original stories and the standards of modern women. How can a modern writer be faithful to the inspiration behind her narrative whilst promoting female empowerment?
Babalola’s protagonists are fully matured women. They are testament to the fact that self-love is the key to fulfilment in romantic love; they don’t need love, they choose it. This sends a clear message to her female readers that it is okay to be selfish when it comes to love. In this sense, Love in Colour is pivotal in dismantling the trope of female selflessness that is still ubiquitous in media culture. Each of Babalola’s characters is different, yet they all succeed in forging healthy romantic relationships, helping to defy the toxic expectations of young women to meet ‘wifey-material’ standard.
Babalola's anthology is a crucial addition to the discussion on dating as a modern day feminist, as not only does it offer an intersection of experiences, but its humour and charm reminds us that dating is fundamentally about enjoyment. The modern dating scene can be difficult to navigate whilst upholding feminist values, and this has undeniably been complicated by the world of online dating. Tuesday evening's discussion placed an emphasis on self-love, just like Love in Colour, but also offered a lighthearted space for feminists to share relatable experiences and advice. Here's to happy dating in the modern era.